Whether you started dancing with her at a club, are on a blind date or are being introduced to a friend of a friend, these are 15 things you should never ask a girl you just met.
1. When are you due?
NEVER assume a girl is pregnant. EVER. When in doubt, just keep your mouth shut. Unless she blatantly confirms that she’s pregnant, don’t even hint at it. And by “blatantly confirms,” I mean, she tells you the sex of the baby, describes the conception in detail and discusses her favorite baby names. Seriously, for the love of all that is holy, just zip it.
2. How much do you weigh?
I don’t know how this would ever come up in a normal conversation, but this one falls hand-in-hand with #1. I don’t even like being asked this question by my own doctor, so it definitely isn’t OK for you to do so. Oh, and never guess our weight, either. That ish isn’t cute. Just like age, weight ain’t nothing but a number. Come to think of it, don’t ask us our age either.
3. Are you ovulating?
File this under instant lady boner killer. I understand that you’re just being extra cautious in the bedroom. But if you’re THAT paranoid about accidental pregnancies, maybe sex isn’t the best choice for you right now. Or maybe you should stop bringing random strangers home? Yeah, definitely the second one.
4. If I got you pregnant, would you have an abortion?
This tops the list of un-sexiest things you can ask a woman prior to getting it in. Because nothing gets our female parts quivering like a CIA-level interrogation about whether we’re pro-life or pro-choice.
5. Can I stick it in the backdoor?
Wait… WHAT? This is never OK, you guys. I don’t even have the strength and resolve to talk about how this isn’t even a fifth date sort of question. Some ladies are down with this swirl, others… not so much. Regardless, it’s like… we JUST met. Buy me a drink first and maybe ask me what my sign is? Damn, I’d even prefer if you asked if I was ovulating.
6. What’s your name, again?
There’s a reason Destiny’s Child and Rihanna were so concerned with the men in their lives saying and/or repeating their names. Because there is nothing worse than being dry humped at the club for multiple hours only to realize dude never even bothered to remember your name. You’ll shame spiral. Trust me.
Okay, so some girls might like this. And it’s all about context. For example, I can understand if a guy asks this at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night. You’ve both had some drinks and things could get weird. But 3 p.m. on a Tuesday afternoon? Homeboy…. cojelo con take it easy. It ain’t sexy, it ain’t charming and it won’t get my panties off.
8. So… what’s your number?
And no, this doesn’t mean your phone number. Whether a lady has a “number” in the single, double (or even triple) digits, it’s hers to know and hers alone. Maybe she’ll share it with some gal pals, or with a serious boo down the road, but a dude she just met? Yeah, don’t expect a truthful answer. And even if there’s no shame in her game, the mere fact that you’re asking is enough to shut your ish down.
9. Wanna go back to my place?
OK, maybe this is just me, but does anyone else get the overwhelming feeling that they’re going to be murdered when a guy IMMEDIATELY wants to get you out of your current location and into his condo? “We won’t have sex, I promise.” Homie, that’s not the issue right now. The issue is the missing persons report my mother may have to file tomorrow morning. Maybe I watched too many serial killer specials on TV growing up, but the possibility is totally real. Right? It’s also presumptuous to think that you’re oh-so attractive that the only thing I want to do is get the heck out of this bar and tear your pants off. Just sayin’.
10. Is that/are those your real [insert body part or physical feature here]?
Always assume yes. We all have “our thing” and there’s no need to point it out to us. We’re not ashamed of our enhancements per se, but we see the twinkle escape your eye when you realize that no, we’re not natural blondes and yeah, these may just be brand new tatas. We’re happy with our deception, so just play along.
11. Are you bi?
Well, I don’t know what gave you that impression, but how is this an appropriate icebreaker? IT ISN’T. Yeah, you saw me dancing with my mains, but we’re not all having a sexy slumber party after this. And if we were, you are most certainly not invited. And fellas, if you do ask and get an affirmative response, do not follow up with “wanna have a threesome?” Just be happy you got away with asking one deviant question to begin with. Push your luck, and you may find a drink splashed in your face and a swift kick headed toward your balls.
12. Do you hate men?
This one is a companion to another favorite, “are you a feminist?” Just because I haven’t been salivating over your tired pick-up lines and sad seduction techniques doesn’t mean I’m automatically a man-hater. Excuse me for having some standards. And sorry that I’m above that watered down drink you sent over and that wink that looks like you have a facial tick. Move it right along, buddy.
13. Can I kiss you?
If you have to ask, odds are that the answer is probably no. And while some gals may like the respectful nature of the question, others consider confidence sexy and will automatically think you’re a lame for asking. Just go in for the kill. The worst that can happen is that you’ll get rejected. I know this is like the end of the world for you, but you’ll live to see another day.
14. Wanna split this?
I’m all about equal rights and being all I am woman hear me roar, but if you invite me out, I’m expecting you to cover all expenses. Especially if we’re just grabbing a McGriddle in the morning. I mean… c’mon now!
15. What’s your credit score?
I mean, seriously?
Fellas, I know it’s hard out there for you too. Miami women are definitely a lot to handle and a relationship with us is not for the faint of heart.
1. The Gold-Digging Groupie
This girl hasn’t met a VIP section she didn’t love. She strives to meet a baller who will impregnate her. She dreams of being Lil Wayne’s fifth baby momma. So you better be poppin’ multiple bottles of Ace of Spades Champagne to get her attention. The kind of girl that Kanye was rapping about… only worse. If your salary isn’t in the six figures and your car didn’t cost more than a small country, don’t even bother looking shorty’s way. She doesn’t discriminate by age or race, just by dolla dolla bills, y’all.
2. The Prissy Princess
Also known as the daddy’s girl or the spoiled brat. She grew up getting everything she wanted, so you better prepare for a lifetime of bending to her will. It’s her way or the highway and there will be dire consequences if everything isn’t to her liking. Imagine Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka. Then multiply that by 1,000 and you have Miami’s Prissy Princess. The type of gal that takes hours to get ready for a date. Not because she actually needs the time, just because she likes making you wait. Sure, she likes the material things, but she mostly gets off on being a diva.
3. The Tease
She’ll make out with you at Blackbird or Purdy and say you can hit it… but you never will. Because the tease wields her power and she wields it well. She’ll get you all hot and bothered and then unceremoniously drop you. She probably learned the art of teasing while at Lourdes or St. Brendan and has frustrated a whole lot of men along the way. She goes to Vixen Workout twice a week to learn how to bring all the boys to the yard. A maneater of sorts, she jumps from fling to fling like a scandalous little butterfly.
4. The Attention Whore
You’ll often find the attention whore dancing on top of an elevated surface (pizza counter, bar, pool table, etc.) or causing a scene outside of the club. No attention is bad attention. Nip slip? Homegirl owns it. Accidentally flashes her vajay to the cab driver? Absolutely no shame. And if she spots a stripper pole, get out of her damn way. The type that makes out with girls and pretends to be bicurious. She often puts herself in precarious situations just to have a story to tell. She wholeheartedly believes in the art of YOLOing.
5. The Pill Popper
You know the one. The girl that makes out with trees at Ultra. The one whose entire wardrobe is composed of neon clothes, tutus and those hideous furry boots. The one who probably doesn’t even like EDM music, she just really likes getting messed up. She barely remembers her own name and she’s lost all her friends. She’s impossible to have a relationship with… unless you’re her dealer.
6. La Plastica
This girl might as well become a Colombian citizen because she’s there every other month getting something done. She claims she’s visiting family or a childhood friend, but every time she comes back into town something always looks… different. At this point, you’ve forgotten what her actual face looks like and her body parts are as plastic as her personality. If her fake boobs and nose job don’t tip you off, her blonde extensions and fake tan will.
7. The Hot Mess
This chick is the definition of sloppy. She rocks the pata sucia look every weekend and has perfected the walk of shame. She wakes up with random bruises all over her legs and often comes home with ripped articles of clothing and broken shoes. The girl whose friends forced her to install a GPS app on her phone because she’s always disappearing with random dudes. To her, blacking out is an art form. She’s given up looking for her dignity because it’slong gone.
8. The Moocher
This girl is just there to see and be seen. Her number one priority in life is finding a guy with a boat just to say she went to the latest regatta. She’s a popular freebie. She’ll give up the goods just for entry onto your yacht or exclusive pool party. She only builds friendships and relationships to see what she can get out of them. Don’t tell her you have Heat season tickets or she’ll be on you like white on rice. She’s not even a fan of the team, she just thinks being at all the games makes her look cool. She has more than 1,000 friends on Facebook but isn’t really close to any of them. Her life may look glamorous but she’s lonely as all hell.
9. The CrossFit Junkie
Homegirl is JACKED. She can probably lift more than you and she’s damn proud of it too. She eats WODs for breakfast and kinda scares you, actually. She incessantly talks about CrossFit and you’re trying to find a polite way of telling her to shut the hell up. She shames you for not working out enough or not eating right. She’s competed in numerous CrossFit Games and her social media presence is littered with CrossFit propaganda (oh, and a few pictures of her doing handstands).
10. The Cougar/Divorcee
Her millionaire husband left her for the gold-digging groupie or la plastica, so she’s out on the prowl looking for her own hot stud. That, or she’s still currently married and carrying on an affair with a struggling 20-something. She gets her kicks where she can and often acts half her age. She’s the one that makes you feel uncomfortable at dinner parties regaling you with sordid details about her sexual escapades. She’s either a Real Housewife of Miami or wishes she was one. Samantha Jones from Sex and the City is her idol.
11. The Instagram Model
This chick has mastered the art of the filter. Duck face is her pose of choice. Selfies are her best friend. And she uploads a new picture every hour on the hour. Not to be confused with the attention whore, the Instagram model has deluded herself into thinking she’s actually God’s gift to earth. She’s unsuccessfully auditioned for America’s Next Top Model and Nuestra Belleza Latina three or four times. You think she’s kind of pathetic but don’t have the heart to tell her.
12. The Import
She comes from somewhere in Latin America and acts like her ish don’t stink. She constantly talks about how things were so much better “back home” where she had a maid, chauffer and two nannies. This chick is seriously lacking in manners as a result. Don’t expect her to speak to you in English either. Not because she doesn’t know it, but because she doesn’t think she should bother making the effort.
13. The Wynwood Chick
Find her at Art Walk or Art Basel or the latest grand opening of some random gallery that no one gives a damn about. Homegirl knew who Banksy was before you did and she’ll remind you of it… constantly. A self-proclaimed “foodie,” her greatest accomplishment in life is becoming Yelp elite. She’ll judge you based on your taste in wine and knowledge of documentary films. She’s so pretentious it hurts.
14. The Chonga
Miami’s number one female stereotype (that’s unfortunately very real). She may have evolved past Sharpie lip liner and ordering gel by the truckload, but her Hialeah upbringing is still very evident. She’s loud and a total Cubanasa. “Bro,” “dale,” “super” and “like” are her favorite words and she’s constantly incorporating them into daily conversation. This is the type of chick who will hit you with an elbow to the face just for blinking at her chulo boyfriend. She prays at the altar of Pitbull and often brags about meeting Mr. 305 eight years ago at some defunct bar in the Grove. She’s short-tempered and will look for any excuse to tell you off.
15. The Yuppie
This girl is so concerned with her career and moving up the corporate ladder that one Xanax just isn’t enough these days. She’s riddled with anxiety, but still attends every single networking event she can get into. She can usually be found in Brickell or the Gables schmoozing and making connections. Every interaction is just a business opportunity in her mind. The type of girl that brings her business cards to public restrooms just in case she runs into someone she deems important. Caffeine and Red Bull keep her going. Her career and aspirations > everything and everyone.
16. The Stalker
You only met her once, but she already knows your life story the next time you see each other. She should really become a private investigator because she’s just that good. The kind that immediately friends you on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter (hell, even Google+). She comes on really strong and texts you multiple times a day. “What are you doing? Where are you? Who are you with? Can I come? I want to see you. ANSWER ME!!!” You want to break it off, but you’re afraid your roommate might find you dead in the morning.
17. The Young Mom
She had her kid in her late teens or early twenties and that’s all you’ve heard about ever since. Her user picture on Facebook and nearly every image on her feed are of her kid(s). Her cubicle is wallpapered with pictures, too. Oh, and if you’re not a fellow momma, get ready for the condescension. “You’ll understand when you have kids.” “You don’t get it, you don’t have kids.” It’s as if not having a baby has made you devoid of any thoughtful opinions. If you’re 25+ without a child, the young mom is seriously questioning you and your life choices.
18. The Serial Monogamist
You don’t remember the last time this girl was single. And it’s because she’s had a boyfriend since she was 12. Even then, she probably had a playground boyfriend. She can’t be alone. It’s just not in her DNA. She’s ride-or-die for her man, whether he treats her right or not. The type to go back to her group of friends in the brief moments that she’s unattached and drop them like it’s hot once she sets her sights on a new flame.
Follow Lourdes Duarte on Twitter: www.twitter.com/LCD12
When it comes to men, Miami definitely has an interesting variety to choose from. I dare you to say that you don’t know at least 10 of the guys on the list. Heck, you don’t even have to be from the 305 to identify. It’s never been harder out here for a lady pimp.
1. THE CHARMER
I respect women he says. I’ll treat you right he says. Buuuuuut, he won’t. Because this is the type of guy that will assign you a number, not a name. The one that keeps at least three girls in rotation at all times. Tinder is the best thing that ever happened to him. And online dating is usually how he re-ups his supply. He kinda reminds you of Patrick Bateman, except a little less… psychotic. In any case, you have to admire dude’s persistence and resolve.
2. THE PRIVATE SCHOOL GRAD
He definitely went to Columbus or Belen and will let his expensive car and apartment in Brickell do the talking. And he’ll expect your panties to immediately drop, too. Mommy and daddy financed his education and possibly his start-up business. But damn, can he rock a suit.
3. THE DOUCHE BRO
Not to be confused with the private school grad, the Miami douche bro is usually found in his native habitat - the University of Miami campus or the Pike fraternity house at FIU. Interests include prescription pills, buying bottles at Liv, throwing up the U (whether he actually went to UM or not) and white girls (preferably the ones that are white girl wasted). He talks the talk, but never walks the walk.
4. THE HIPSTER
He probably lives in Wynwood or the Design District and spends a good chunk of his time at Wood Tavern and Gramps. He wears skinnier jeans than you do and doesn’t even own a car. He’s either a graphic designer or web developer, but he considers his band and artistic endeavors more important. He only eats organic food and is too pretentious to admit he was really effing excited about Trader Joe’s opening up in Pinecrest.
5. THE HOUSE HEAD
He considers Space his second home and he’s constantly going to random clubs to hear obscure DJ’s spin the latest EDM jams EVERY. SINGLE NIGHT. Or… he IS the DJ. His nocturnal schedule is exhausting and the bags under your eyes prove it. He may or may not be poppin’ mollies and sweatin’.
6. THE SPORTS FANATIC
The Heat, the Marlins, the Dolphins and his alma mater’s football team. Know them and know them well. He’ll drag you to every home game and expect you to rep just as hard. Sundays are reserved for [insert sport] and beer. But sometimes you just want to go to brunch damn it.
7. THE INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY
He’s obviously not from around here, but his cute accent and charisma will lure you in. He’s not quick to provide many details about himself, what he does or where he lives, so you’re preeeeetty sure he peddles large amounts of drugs or is involved in some other shady dealings. You’ve seen Orange is the New Black, and you are NOT suited for prison.
8. THE MAMA’S BOY
No decision will ever be made without momma’s solid stamp of approval. No girl will ever be good enough, so you might as well quit while you’re ahead. In his eyes, his mother will always cook better than you, treat him better than you and, in some strange cases, look better than you.
9. MR. PETER PAN
He’ll never want to grow up. EVER. He’s perfectly content wandering through life, smoking weed, playing Xbox and living at home with the parentals. He’s in his fifth year at Miami-Dade and as long as someone washes his dirty undies and cooks him his arroz con pollo, he’s set.
10. THE FITNESS FREAK.
He hasn’t met a workout he didn’t love. CrossFit? Goes twice a day. Brickell Run Club? He practically leads the damn thing. Critical Mass? Biking is totally his jam. P90X, TRX, yoga, boxing. You name it, homeboy is doing it. Right this second, probably.
11. THE KEY RAT
He’s probably a lawyer or real estate agent or therapist or financial planner living in Key Biscayne. He has some impressive title that he backs up with his insufferable know-it-all attitude and extreme penny-pinching. The type of guy that will make you go halfsies on a $25 check at Sir Pizza. Yeah, we can’t believe guys like this exist either.
12. THE METROSEXUAL
He can accurately identify if a girl is wearing fake Louboutins, genuinely loves top-40 music, tailors all his clothes and has a very strict skin care regimen. Unlike the house head, he doesn’t pop molly, he rocks Tom Ford. You often question his sexuality because he does wax his chest once a month, but you’ve come to realize that some boys just want nice things. Smooth pecs included.
13. THE RAGER
Has this guy ever had a sober conversation with you? Odds are that he hasn’t. He goes hard or goes home. But let’s be real, HE. NEVER. GOES. HOME. He’s a sweet kid. Really, he is. But his borderline alcoholism gives you pause. If it’s taken him at least five separate encounters to even remember your face, then… well. Good luck with aaaaaaall that.
14. THE “CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER? CAN I HAVE IT?” DUDE
Justin Timberlake’s verse from Holy Grail is this guy’s life story. He absolutely reeks of desperation and will not let up, so you give him your actual number because you pity the fool. His texts will come fast and furious until you stop answering and hope he hasn’t written a poem about it.
15. THE “GOOD” CATHOLIC/CHRISTIAN
He swears he’s soooo wholesome to lure you into his den of sin. The type that kicks you out of bed Sunday morning and books it straight to church. But Jesus is ALWAYS watching, boo.
16. THE PAPI CHULO
Otherwise known as the Hialeah chico. He loves Affliction shirts, which he pairs perfectly with his gold crucifix. His chest hair is his most prized possession, so he makes sure to show it off on the regular. His daily uniform consists of black socks, J’s and a fade from Phat Fadez. Odds are he lives in his mom’s efficiency and snags sweet deals at the Opa Locka Flea Market.
17. THE PROMOTER
He’ll put you on a list, but you’ll still have to wait more than an hour in a line with other poor unfortunate souls. You’ll drop his name at the door but the bouncer will look at you with the type of disdain that’s reserved for cockroaches. No bottle of cheap vodka and some mixers is worth this type of treatment.
18. THE MINOR CELEBRITY
He’s a well-known local musician, muralist or chef. He’s dated half the city and is well on his way to conquering the other half. He’s been profiled in The Miami New Times once or twice and thinks he’s the ish because of it. Your eyes involuntarily roll into the back of your head during conversations with him, and you wish that he would give his self-aggrandizement a rest.
1. The mere site of a chancleta strikes fear into your heart.
2. Whether you love or hate his music, you feel an overwhelming need to support Pitbull’s career.
3. You question people who aren’t ride or die for cortaditos and coladas.
4. Celia Cruz made the soundtrack to your childhood. Azucar!
5. You don’t believe in breakfast that doesn’t involve a pastelito, croqueta or tostada.
6. Your mom is in a constant panic about the weather. “It’s raining over here. Is it raining where you are? Ten cuidado!”
7. You’ve mastered the art of Spanglish and speed talking.
8. You get excited about ¿Qué Pasa, U.S.A.? reruns on PBS. And yes, it’s still an accurate depiction of Cuban living despite it being 30+ years old.
9. Asando un puerco is your favorite part about the holidays.
10. You had tremendo quinces. Bonus points if you perfected a rueda with your court.
11. You think guayaberas are perfectly fine attire for most (if not all) events.
12. Angels weep over your abuela’s flan.
13. Rhythm. You has it. (Most of us, anyways)
14. You really CAN’T lower your voice. You’re at a permanent level 10 and people have learned to deal.
15. You’re still not over Elian being sent back. It happened more than 10 years ago, but you will simply not let it go.
16. People have gotten used to you being late. That, or they just lie about the ACTUAL time you’re supposed to show up.
17. Willy Chirino’s “En el día de tu cumpleaños” was played at every single birthday party you attended. And you wouldn’t have it any other way.
18. You know that merengue is not just a musical genre.
19. You’ve shopped at Sedanos or Presidente Supermarket.
20. You’re well-versed in Jose Marti poetry. Zapaticos de Rosa was totally your jam back in the day.
21. You’ve turned speaking with your hands into an art form.
22. You get mildly offended when people confuse the Cuban flag with the one from Puerto Rico.
23. You’ve actually spent time in Cuba and appreciate what you have, and more importantly, where you come from.
Now… add your own reasons. Daleeee!